1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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