we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
