omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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