May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
