He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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