grandma shit on top of the toilet
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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