What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
