nut hugger
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
