After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
