All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
