Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
