Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
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I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
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I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We smell like vodka and hangover
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