wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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