ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
