don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
