after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
