explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
