even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
