and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
