also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
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he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
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I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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