After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
