you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
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Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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