maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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