In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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