God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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