Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
