I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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