The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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