I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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