Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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