Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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