Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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