I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
