I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
