Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You made out with two different species that night
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Pants are for mortals
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
