He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
