He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
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3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
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We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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