What did we do last night that was yellow?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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