Where did you get a picture of my penis
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
