I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
