Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
