Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
