I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
