I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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