I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
How does one acquire holy water?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
