i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
