david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
