Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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