he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
