So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
