Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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