i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
