my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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