Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I am midnight drunk by noon
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
