I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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