Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
